Journey Center Blog

Today was one of those days… the ones where you feel like everything you choose is wrong. You start out with the best of intentions, but along the way, unforeseen things (like traffic accidents) derail all your best plans. And no matter which path (route home) you choose, you end up deciding something else would have been better and you just get more stuck and further behind.

Do you ever wish, like I do, that you could look into the future and really see the various outcomes of different choices you have? Do you ever wish you could call up God and get His Google Maps perspective of where your life’s red and black traffic lines are and where it’s green all the way? What if we could know the future, would it change the choices we make today?

One of my favorite current TV shows is “Flash Forward”. (I know, there’s probably only 3 of us out there watching this show. SciFi never seems to make it long on TV.) At the beginning of this series, the whole world loses consciousness for a few minutes and their minds shift forward in time by several months. Everyone gets to see a few minutes of what will be happening in their life in the near future. For some, it’s a wonderful vision – marriage, having a baby, being in love, becoming famous. For others, it’s a terrible vision – unfaithfulness to their spouse that they love, being killed, accidentally killing others.

After these characters wake up, knowing their future has an interesting impact on their present life and choices. We get to see how they either try to change their future, make it happen, or do nothing. We’re about to see if the decisions they’ve made and their actions will lead to the future they saw or if the characters who wanted to, were able to change the outcomes. Interesting premise… I think.

Well, of course, none of us can really know our futures or entirely predict how our choices will affect our lives, but it’s good to be aware of the choices we’re making each day and what path they’re leading us down. I’ve been thinking a lot about my own choices lately… how my life really adds up to a long (hopefully) series of choices. I think I’m going through a sort of mid-life crisis. (Yes, at age 34.) I’ve been looking back at all the choices I’ve made since graduating high school – colleges, jobs, friends, boyfriends, activities, beliefs, dreams, plans… And I see how each decision I’ve made along the way, some small and some large, has brought me to where I am now, and not only that, has really affected the type of person I’ve become and my position in life.

Did I intend for those choices to bring me to this point? Not all of them. If I could have “flashed forward” and seen my current life, would I have chosen some things differently? Probably. But by observing my past choices, I’ve realized what awesome freedom and responsibility I have to really create my own life, meaning and purpose. Understanding this has made me want to try harder to make sure the small and large choices I make every day are leading down the path I want so that I will end up at the destination I have in mind.

It’s amazing that the Creator has given me this awesome power to shape my life. I get to be a creator too – make things happen, determine outcomes, bring more good or evil into the world. My actions are not entirely pre-determined, not controlled. There is much I can decide for my life, even whether to seek out and acknowledge the Creator or not. It’s entirely up to me whether I make the choices that move me closer to aligning my life with what I was created for or not. I’m not forced into obedience or belief. It’s really up to me… what do I choose?

Do I pursue life or death? Do I spread love or resentment? Do I bring more light into the world or more darkness? I have the freedom to decide… My mid-life crisis is bringing me to a place of trying to live deliberately. I’ve wasted a lot of time on auto-pilot and fear of the future. I’ve spent a lot of years as a slave to making choices based on past experiences or unhealthy beliefs and feelings. I’m trying to break out of that and determine what I really want in life and make the choices that will bring me closer to those things.

I can’t “flash forward” to see my future and all possible outcomes, but I can envision what I want and do my best to make the choices that will lead me there. I need to write down my preferred future, post it on my wall, remember it and think of it every day so this vision can guide me and the little choices I make every day that eventually add up to my life. There will always be unexpected things happening, bends in the road I didn’t see coming, choices I’m forced to make that I don’t want to, but that doesn’t mean I can’t try really hard to determine as much as possible of my future by making more deliberate choices each day.

Our monthly series called Meeting the Mystics has been wonderful. An Eastern Orthodox priest took us into experiencing the desert fathers and mothers in January and February–he brought some amazing pictures of the Egyptian desert where they lived in the 3rd century. Beautiful–and desolate! Gave me a renewed appreciation for the journey into and through the desert so often mentioned in scripture!

In March, Carol Lee Flinders took us into the contemplative imaginings of Julian of Norwich. Julian saw God’s hand holding what looked like a hazelnut–and realized that was the entire created universe– made and sustained by Spirit’s love. Next time we do a meditation with Julain I’m going to bring hazelnuts– so we can enter with her into the wonder of this image!

In April, Sister Antonia Killian took us into the spiritual world of Teresa of Avila, and we explored the different stages of the spiritual journey that she wrote of in her book  The Interior Castle. Part of what makes Sister Antonia a teacher is that she is very passionate–and also very very funny. Teresa also had a great sense of humor– one of my favorites is “God preserve us from sour-faced saints” and, after tumbling into a cold river in the middle of the night, saying to her Beloved Christ–”If this is how you treat your friends, no wonder you don’t have many!’ I love how she had such an intimate relationship with the Divine– she could even, like the Hebrew prophets, chastise him:>). I try to imagine what that level of love and intimacy would be like.

This coming Friday evening, Kayleen Asbo, from St. John’s Episcopal Church in Petaluma, will take us into a journey with Benedict. Kayleen is an amazing story teller–and a superb musician–so we are going to fill the Journey Center with candles and learn how to sing Compline– an ancient chant sung for 1500 years in the Christian monasteries. A couple of times we have sung together at the Center– and the place just glows — so I can’t wait for us to sing together words from scripture. I think it was Augustine who said that ’singing is praying twice’. So we’ll be singing and praying together this coming Friday- may you be blessed by the gifts we will be receiving as we gather in this way!

Some out in the sun. Some in the water. Some resting. Some playing. Some coming into the sanctuary and some returning to the open sea. The gift of being at the coast with very few other humans and being a part of the scene. Noticing what is going on and what is being left alone. Watching the pups watching their moms while they carefully watch the people. Looking at the tide coming back in again today. These Harbor Seals have found the officially designated Marine Mammal Preserve. Not like the one who had found a solitary place down the coast. This one had been found by the clean up crew of the air upon passing. All the others had found their way to the place humans have appointed a “no harassing the wild life zone.”
Where do we find these places for our kind?
It occurs to me that we have a place like this here on Fourth Street. A safe zone. A place where there are no harassing the humans. An invitational place where there is space to come and be. There is space to sit. Sometimes there is a spot of sun for a few minutes. Sometimes there is movement and play as there are times of rest and reflection. A “no harassing the human zone.”
Drawn back to the coast: Watching the waves, each with their own unique moment in time. We see from one point on land one perspective. Yet, there are countless moments in each splash of water. Divinity notices it all. The Creator watching the creation. A safe place.

Two years ago, on May 1^st, I walked up to the front door at 1601 Fourth Street in Santa Rosa and turned the key in the lock for the first time. I remember how it felt to open that door and walk into the beautiful, empty space that was to be the Journey Center’s home. Aware of all the miracles that happened to allow us the privilege of being there, I experienced a deep sense of peace and an eager anticipation as I stood on the threshold that day.

As we celebrate this two-year anniversary, we have been reflecting on all that has unfolded between that first day and today. We who serve at the Center and you who have come through the door to visit are all on unique spiritual journeys…AND we have had something in common. We have been the grateful recipients of what I will call “glimpses of the Holy”.

From the beginning, when the vision for the Journey Center was first given in 2003, we have known and been told that this is a pioneering work. For that reason, we didn’t really know what to expect when we opened the doors. All we knew was that God wanted to do something new and that we had been led by the Spirit to create this safe and welcoming place where all who are spiritually thirsty can find resources and support for their journey.

We wondered what would happen when people of differing spiritual traditions, political persuasions and opinions on a variety of issues would sit together in this special place, set aside for saying “yes” to the Divine invitation to drink together from the Living Water. As we look back, these first two years have been quite an adventure!

We have indeed had a glimpse of the Holy as we have discovered that our boxes cannot contain or limit God’s boundless love for each of us. There has been a profound experience of walls coming down, walls that we’ve built to keep God at a distance and walls that separate us from others. Instead of these walls, bridges are being built as we are nourished by Love and experience the gift of friendship and community with those we have thought so different from ourselves.

And we have come to realize even more clearly what the Journey Center is called to be in our community:

 The Journey Center is a place of love. We have encountered the living God, who is Love. We have experienced for ourselves that God is always present, working lovingly and patiently in unexpected ways to bring healing, connection, freedom and grace.

The Journey Center is a place for sharing and listening to stories. Each person who has come through the door has, in some way, been our teacher. As we listen to each other’s stories, we learn that the Spirit meets each person where they are on their journey, working creatively and uniquely to help them deepen their awareness of and openness to the Holy. We may have our differences, yes, but on a much deeper level we all share a common spiritual yearning to find our way home to our own true heart and the heart of the One who knows us and calls us by name.

The Journey Center is a place of transformation. There is something so simple and yet so powerful about being together in God’s loving presence and opening ourselves to the Spirit, the One who transforms us. The simple spiritual practices that we teach here, rooted in the Christian tradition and helpful to those from any tradition, help us with this being and opening.

In the first two years of this adventure we call the Journey Center, we have most definitely been grateful recipients of “glimpses of the Holy”. If you haven’t had a chance to visit us, in person or online, please consider doing so as we would love to be a blessing to you on your journey!

I held a hummingbird in my hand the other morning.  Iridescent green, white and black with darting eyes and wings outstretched.  When I sc00ped it up from the roadside, it was not what it looked like that impressed me as I quickly covered it with both hands so it could stress in the dark.  What impressed me was the purr or thrum of its tiny heart against my palm.  It took my breath away it was so light and utterly racing.  I held it for but moments before I set it high in the mossy crotch of an oak but I will feel the percussion of that miniscule muscle… maybe forever?  What did my heart feel like to the hummer?  It must have felt the deep, slow boom of my pulse in the arteries of my hands.  Perhaps they synchronized.  The tiny thrum the underlying foundation for a resounding BOOM… thrrrrruuuuummmm… BOOM… thrrrrrruuuummmmm.

Jesus spoke in parables.   I am reading a book about parables which says, “In any case, speaking in parables was second nature to Jesus, and it quickly became the hallmark of his teaching style.  At the beginning of the Gospel of Mark in fact- after only a handful of statements actually called parables have been recorded- the author says that Jesus used many other parables, and that he would not speak to the people without using a parable.  Clearly then, if we want to hear the actual ticking of Jesus’ mind, we can hardly do better than to study his parabolic words and acts over and over- with our minds open not only to learning but to joy.” (see title at end of post).  I want to know about the Creator and I believe that Jesus and his teachings hold the key to what we can know.  My next blogs will be thoughts of parables found in the New Testamemt and the parables that are relevant and around me everyday.  This book says that the Greek word parabole simply means, comparison.  All parables seem to be illuminating what the Kingdom of God is all about.

Joe DiStefano photo credit

The comparison of a wildly beating wild heart and the deep, resonating boom of my own.  The Creators warm, solid, safe hand holding the frightened, dusty, injured fragile creature left alongside the road with no freedom to fly.  Hmmmm, I wonder what that says about the Kingdom of God?

(Book: Kingdom, Grace, Judgement- Paradox, Outrage, and Vindication in the Parabes of Jesus by Robert Farrar Capon)

One of the beautiful wisdom tales I am so often reminded of at The Journey Center is the Sufi teaching that each person is a colorful reflection of the Holy–for example the passionate person shines with the red light of God, and the scholar with yellow; the healer with green, the peacemaker with blue–and together we reflect the white light of God. When I look around the groups I go to at the Center, I am always delighted to meet the scientists who speak of God in the language of quarks and black holes and other quantum mysteries. I love the passionate social activists, and the sometimes quiet/sometimes flamboyant  mystics, the ones who bring a Bible to every meeting,  the healers whose language is the body and movement, the storytellers and comics and the ones who have the gift of tears. Some of the moments I most cherish are when I actually get to experience how a person different from me comes to know the Divine. It was amazing for me to finally realize that a man who has been coming to a Jesus conversation group at my house for close to 3 years is not ’stuck in his head’ but in fact truly experiences the Holy through his mind and craft…I had always assumed there had to be some sort of emotional–maybe even cathartic- event– but he knows God while fixing a car for his grandaughter and seeing with pleasure how the engine works, and knowing he is giving this young woman a meaningful gift. Who knew??

We have a LOT of ‘colors’ at the center:>). Part of what I am enjoying learning– and it is not always easy or comfortable though ultimately it IS always joyful– is that when we gather together with the intention to deeply listen to one another, and to grow in love, even clashing colors can become Beauty. I give thanks to the Creator of All Color for that.

I am looking at my spring garden. We have had lots of rain this year–the resevoirs are full to overflowing, and the flowers and trees are blooming. The lavendar is full of bees, the roses are bright and soft, and plants are coming up that haven’t peeked out for a couple of years. Some mornings, when there has been a rain, the green has the soft sheen I remember from Boston. The hills around Petaluma where I live are covered with a hundred different greens– how can there be so many? I find myself some mornings going out into the garden to pull a weed or two and then find out I am out there for an hour, the dogs lolling in the grass as I wander around, clipping here/trimming there/watering and then just standing underneath the jasmine and smelling and smelling. Sometimes when things are hard, I watch clouds, or roll Molly, my 14 year old puppy, onto her back for a tickle, or think of herbs, and hundreds of kinds of green, and I remember that–despite it all– I am invited to remember that all that has been created is good. I give thanks, this Earth Day, for the beauty that surrounds and blesses and comforts and reminds me to stop/look/enjoy/love. I love the priest-poet Gerald Manley Hopkins who helped me discover the blatant love of creation at the heart of the Jewish and Christian traditions. Let me end with a favorite quotation from him- “The world is charged with the grandeur of God. It will flame out, like shining from shook foil”.

Back in the 70’s and 80’s when I was very involved with the womens’ movement, I discovered that I had to become cautious whenever anyone asked me if Iwas a feminist. My natural response would have been “Of course”, but I soon discovered that some folks meant very different things by those words. Some people were asking me if I hated everything male. Others were asking if I was a lesbian. Some wanted to know if I respected women as much as men–while others were looking to see if  I valued women over men. Others were inquiring about my hygeine habits–you know, the shaving legs and armpits thing:>). I could go on….but what became apparent is that I had to begin by stopping and asking the person to tell me a little bit more about what they meant by feminist–so I could respond to what they were actually asking. This led to many interesting conversations–including how it was that I was a committed feminist who was heterosexual, happily married, passionate about helping women, and the good friend of many marvellous men.

In my life now, I find myself experiencing a familiar thing when people ask me if I am Christian. I have to stop and ask them to tell me what they mean by that. Back in the 60’s, the image of Christians were Martin Luther King and the Berrigan brothers–radical social activist Christians that many more conservative Church people did not identify with. Now the cultural images are much more conservative–even fundamentalist–and so I find that if I don’t ask what people mean by Christian, I could be giving a false impression. Some more traditional Christians are thrilled if I say yes I am–and then are horrified when they hear me using the Hindu Upanishads to talk about Christian mysticm.  And my social activist Christian friends are freaked out when I speak of contemplation and miracles and the movement of the Spirit.  And then the non-Christians assume I am out bombing Planned Parenthood and condemming everyone different from me to hell…sigh…

The only good thing about this whole difficult process is that it can open up fascinating conversations. Many people have not actually asked themselves what they mean by “Christian”–so many unexamined assumptions. So I have to confess I rarely say I am Christian upfront–and if someone asks me directly I might fudge and say I follow Christ–but then if there is a bit of interest-if the conversation opens at that point rather than slams down, I get the chance to ask people what they mean–and then there is the possibility of learning and sharing,growing and even healing for us.

What do YOU mean by Christian? Does your definition open conversation, learning, relationship, or shut it down?

There are times when you are on the run, in between things and you can’t seem to slow down and mindfully consume something so that your body can be blessed with the stuff God thot of that we need for our existance. Fast food establishments are aptly named. I tried to go thru a drive-up for some window food but the drive way was backed out onto the street so I decided that it would be faster (faster fast food) to park and go inside for sustenance. I ordered and paid my $1.07 for a chicken sandwich and headed out to the car. I was in a hurry and needed to get to my next appointment. As I reached into the bag to retrieve the chicken sandwich out came a handful of fries. I did not order fries, but I was really hungry and I was already five miles away from where I bought my chicken sandwich so I ate them. At the office I grabbed the bag and hustled inside to discover that there had been another mistake! Instead of the dollar chicken sandwich was the biggest fully loaded hamburger I had ever seen. So I ate it, because I was five miles away from the fast food store and was running late. I reasoned that they had probably given my healthy chicken to someone else by now and would not be able to exchange it anyway.
Later in the evening it occurred to me that God is kind of like that. We think that we know what to order up and sometimes other things come our way. I like this kind of God who is in small things.

Last week I was having coffee with a good friend, who is a Buddhist. She was brought up Baptist, and left as a teenager as her thirst for deeper experience of ’something meaningful’ eluded her in the Christianity her family professed. We began to speak about lent,and shared stories about what we were both taught — laughing ruefully about the similarities between Southern Baprtist and Irish Catholic concepts of sin and repentance.  I was telling her how eye and heart-opening it was for me to discover that the real meaning of repent is to change focus/direction–to change the direction in which I am looking for happiness. That opened up a conversation about the Buddhist idea of detachment/non-attachment and the  Christian teachings about the false self and the ways in which this wounded part of us addictively searches for happiness/meaning/fullfilment. My friend said– isn’t there a story about that in scripture? So she took out her laptop, opened a Bible site (I didn’t know there was such a thing) and we found  The Rich Man story in Mark 10:21-21.

Jesus, looking at him, loved him, and said,’You lack one thing; go, sell what you own, and give the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; then come, follow me.’ When he heard this, he was shocked, and went away grieving, for he had many possessions.

My friend and I sat and read this over and over–I think we were doing Lectio Divina in the coffee shop– and it brought tears to our eyes. For us, it made another connection between our spiritual paths–neither of us really knew before that this teaching was in Christian scripture–so this deepens and expands our own conversation. But what moved us both–was Jesus ‘compassion and love– so poignant as he looks at this man, understanding the goodness of his heart and his devotion–and how he was still captured by what he owned.  We were right there– feeling in our own bodies the shock of coming up against what we were attached to and unable to release. Part of what moved me so much was this man’s shock –and then grief. I get the feeling that he not only did not realize Jesus would ask him for this–but that he may have, in that moment, discovered something very painful about himself– that he was possessed by his possessions. I see him walking away, and nursing this new knowledge about himself in his heart–does he stay with it? Can Christ’s loving gaze help him to stay with this awareness, and perhaps lead to some healing/ Or in his pain does he shut down, and perhaps cling even tighter to what he discovers he believes he needs.

I notice that I pray for this man– 2,000 years ago–and so I pray for myself and all of us who want so much to repent–and who are still holding on for dear life to what prevents us from following our deepest heart’s desire. The love on Christ’s face accompanies me in that prayer– and so I hope, in this moment, that the transformation Christ promises can occur in me.  My Buddhist friend said that for her, she will incorporate that loving gaze into her own practice-.I like that– I see Jesus holding her in love as she practices meditation and blessing her too. Whatever our path and practice, may that gaze of Love tend us and accompany us and gently help to unravel that crack in our defended hearts when we are shocked and grieved into facing our own limitations. May we all discover that which truly brings happiness and fullness of life. I give thanks for lent and this time of learning what true repentance invites all of  us into.